Yesterday and Today

[Blog Author's Note:  Below, my son Caleb expresses his sense of loss in the present, mixed with hope for the future.]

I always wondered what the death rattle sounded like.  Now I wish I did not know.  When I look back in time, it seems like it was only yesterday when my grandpa and I were sitting at the computer listening to podcasts of old time radio shows that he listened to as a boy.  We listened to The Shadow.  He got excited and began to quote the opening line of every show as it began to play:  “Who knows what evil lurks within the hearts of man? The Shadow knows!”  You could see the boyish glee flash in his eyes, the same eyes that, by that point, no longer consistently recognized his sons.  This was during summer of last year.  It was only yesterday that we called my grandma to tell her that it was snowing on Christmas day in Atlanta, and heard her crying voice answer to say that my grandpa had gotten confused and run away.  About a half hour later, we got the call back saying she had gotten him home.  It was only yesterday when I was told that my grandparents would be moving in with us for sure when we got home.  It was only yesterday when my Father and I went chasing him out the door, as he ran away, believing that we were out to kill him or the like. 

All this was yesterday.

Today, however, I am sitting in a hospice care center, looking at the frail figure of the man we call Stan Julin.  Stan Julin, the giant among men. Stan Julin, the man so respected by everyone he meets. Stan Julin, my grandfather.  It is that Stan Julin that will be remembered, not the fragile old man plagued by Alzheimer’s and bone cancer.  Alzheimer’s may be torture, and bone cancer may be excruciating, but as 1 Corinthians 15:55 says “‘Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?’”  Pain in life, peace in death.  Dying may hurt, but we have nothing to fear in death. 

I know I will see my grandpa again one day, where he is not sick. I am reminded of a conversation we once had.  I went in to say goodnight and tell him I love him.  When I hugged him he grabbed me tight in a hug and said, "Oh! I love you!"  As he began to weep he continued, “My grandpa [sic. grandson] My grandpa, My grandson! I can't play with you like I used to.  I can't play like I used to. Maybe someday; maybe someday! I love you! Oh!”  My grandma overheard and, beginning to cry said, “One day you will play like you have never played before.” 

One day, my grandfather came up to me and said, “I am looking forward to seeing you in Heaven, when my mind is clear.” Job 19:25-27 says, “For I know that my redeemer lives, and he shall stand at last on the earth; and after my skin is destroyed, this I know, that in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold and not another. How my heart yearns within me!”

My great uncle Timothy wrote my grandparents a note recently. In this note he recalled a memory of my grandfather:

The day you married my sister you offered to polish my shoes.  I didn’t accept your offer because I was shy, but it is a picture to me of your heart – actually Christ’s large heart in you.  You told us once you would give up all your rewards in heaven if only you would be allowed to put the crown upon Christ in that great day. Doing it to the least is doing it to Christ, we are told – you have served us all so well for so long.  I would not be surprised to see all the pain here simply grooming you for your favorite part in the Coronation.

I hope my grandpa gets his wish.  I certainly know that God has a storehouse of rewards waiting for Stan Julin.  My grandpa is going home.